


My Heart's Funeral

by MyBelovedMavin



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, One Shot, mention of anxiety, mention of depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-25
Updated: 2015-02-25
Packaged: 2018-03-15 06:07:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3436316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyBelovedMavin/pseuds/MyBelovedMavin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I always knew me getting hurt was your biggest fear.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Heart's Funeral

**Author's Note:**

> I highly recommend reading this without reading the warnings first, but if you are easily triggered, the warnings can be found at the end. Also, thanks to Chu for giving me the inspiration to write this.

_I promised you I would keep you safe and that I would always be there for you, but I didn’t stay true to my word. Even worse, I was involved in your biggest fear coming true and if that doesn’t make me deserve punishment, I don’t know what does.  
_

* * *

  
That day even started off strange. It was ridiculously cold out and before long it started to snow. Our little apartment was pretty cold when he woke up. And, like he always does,he tried to get as close to me as he could. Not just to get warmer, but secretly also to wake me up and make me hold him. I happily obliged of course. I put my arm around him and took in his usual position: one arm across my chest, head resting on my shoulder and chest, and his hair tickling my cheek, chin and neck. I pulled the covers up with my other arm, just over his head, because I knew he hated it. He didn’t disappoint. He grunted a little and threw the covers back as far as he could and he knew that was what I hated, because I never wore a shirt or anything in bed. We compromised as usual; I pulled the covers up in a way that they would cover just his chin and mouth, but not his nose. His giant fucking nose. We lay like that for a while, just enjoying being so close. We both had the day off, so we were in no hurry whatsoever. Thank God we weren’t, because I actually wanted this moment to last forever.

“I’m cold, Michael.”

I kind of expected him to ruin the moment like that.

“What do you want me to do about it?” I asked, already knowing what he would answer.

“Come lay on top of me.”

How predictable.

“So you actually just want to make out?”

“Yes.” He whispered back.

I didn’t disappoint.

I smoothly climbed on top of him, just like I had done many times before. I’ve learned to not give in too quickly though, so I rested my head on my hand and stared at him. Before too long he’d try to kiss me, but I was just out of reach.

“Michael…” He said with a pout.

I gave in immediately.

I brushed his hair out of his face and pressed my lips against his. I cupped his cheek with one hand and kept myself up with the other. He’s not made of glass, but he looked so fragile and I’ve always been scared of putting too much of my weight on him.

“I love you.” I told him between kisses.

“I love you too, my little Michael.”

I should probably clarify that it wasn’t the pout that made me give in. It’s that dumb accent of his that always gets me. He never fails to completely butcher my name, but damn, how I love the way he says it.   
  


* * *

  
This might sound perfect, but our relationship surely wasn’t. We had our problems, like every couple does. Ours were just a little less common and most of them started with him. I don’t blame him though don’t get me wrong. If you’d see him, you’d guess he’d have physical problems. With his skinny body and strange posture he looked very weak. But his body has never been a problem, his mind has.

I never expected the love of my life to have such sad and unpleasant thoughts. The main problems? Severe depression and anxiety. His depression made him bored out of his mind, because he couldn’t find joy or satisfaction in anything he did. On the other hand, his anxiety created some far-fetched thoughts that would keep him up at night. He said that he never felt scared at night when I was with him, but when I wasn’t, he was afraid of burglars, fire, storms, murderers and even the roof giving in.

He said he felt safe with me, but only under certain circumstances. So, together, we devised an evening routine. Every night, before going to bed, we would check all the sockets, to see if there were any chargers or appliances still plugged in, because he was afraid they’d start a fire. For some reason he was fine with the tv and consoles being plugged in 24 hours a day though. That’s not the end of the routine. After that, I’d check all the windows with him, making sure they were really shut, and then we’d lock the front door together. Every night he watched me turn that key, but he always needed to check it. He also made me pull the key out and put it far away from the front door and windows, he was 100% sure someone would break a window to grab it.

It took some getting used to, but it somehow made me love him even more. It made us so incredibly close. Closer than any couple I’d ever met. Probably because he trusted me with his biggest fears and even wanted me to help him with them.

Usually, that would be the end of it, but sometimes he’d hear a sound while we were in bed. He never asked me to check it out, but I always did. I could feel him tense up next to me and I could see him stare at either the door or windows, depending on where the sound came from. I’d get out of bed, look out of every window, check if the front door was still locked, and hop back into bed telling him all was well.  


* * *

  
The anxiety I could take care of, but his depressive thoughts were a lot harder to deal with. It was extra tough, because I never failed to calm him down when he was scared or nervous. I always felt so useless when he was depressed. There was nothing I could do to cheer him up, which made me sad, but I had to be strong and optimistic for him. I’d spend hours and hours tell him how proud I was of him and that he had a lot of things to be happy about, but the negative thoughts were somehow more important than the happy ones. We managed though. I’d hold him while he cried, we’d tell each other memories we were very fond of, make out a little and that would be it. 

We had that one memory that was our favorite. We both had our own versions of it, so we’d take turns telling the story. It was about the day we got together. Well, we didn’t officially get together that day, but it was the day we shared our first kiss.

I hate to admit it, but I was in love with him for four years before he finally decided he liked me back. We were best friends and we remained to be, even after he turned me down thrice. I guess I’m not one for giving up. Anyway, we were hanging out at an amusement park together and we had a few hours to kill. We were sitting in my car and I was joking about wanting a kiss. My thing to say that my lips hurt and that I wanted him to kiss it to stop the pain. He’d always respond with that he’d be fine with kissing my cheek. Every time he leaned in to do that, I’d turn my face trying to catch him off guard, but he was always prepared. Shit never got awkward though, we’d laugh about it and brush it off, but that day it was different. I turned my head again and he actually kissed me. We became a couple five days later. 

In his version of the story, he was very daring and heroic, so he actually kissed me out of the blue. He refuses to admit it was an accident at first and that I turned my head. It’s okay though, I love hearing him tell his version and I love seeing him blush when he does.  
  


* * *

  
So yeah, the day we got together I promised him I’d always keep him safe, that I’d be there for him whenever he needed me, that I would never leave him, that I’d love him ‘till the end of time and take care of him the best I could.

Needless to say, I broke that promise.

That one cold day, I received a call from my best friend, Lindsay, because she had caused some kind of short circuit and was sitting in her apartment with no power. Since the weather was getting pretty bad, no one could come to help her, so she called me. I spent a few years as an electrician, so I knew I could fix it.  
  


* * *

  
“Lindsay is having some problems at her apartment.” 

“What’s wrong?” He asked as he sat down beside me. 

“The power is out and no one can come to fix it because of the weather.” I explained.

“Are you going to help her out?”

“She asked me to and I can’t say no. Not when it’s this cold.” I answered with a frown.

I knew the weather kind of scared him and I was worried about leaving him alone for a while. Bringing him with me was not much of an option either. He felt the most safe at home and I knew he’d start to panic in the car with this snowstorm going on.

“Okay.” He muttered, biting his nails like he always does when he’s anxious.

“If you want me to stay, you can just say so.”

“No, I can’t ask that of you. Especially not when Lindsay’s freezing on the other side of town.”

“I know you’re afraid and that’s okay, you can be honest.” I pressed.

“No, no. You should go. It would be unfair to Lindsay.” He shook his head frantically, which tells me that he’s not at peace with his decision.

“Are you sure?” I always try three times, after that he usually gets annoyed.

“Yes.”

“Alright, I’ll be back soon, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Don’t forget that I love you while I’m away.”

“I won’t. And I love you too. Stay safe.”

“I will.” I kissed him and then shut the door behind me.  
  


* * *

  
Quite possibly the worst decision I ever made. As soon as I stepped into my car I was worried about him. I felt somewhat reassured when I saw him waving at me when I pulled out of my usual parking spot.

It took me some time to get to Lindsay. Traffic was terrible to begin with in this town, but the weather made everything even worse and walking was about as fast as driving. I actually considered leaving my car somewhere and walk the rest of the way, but I didn’t feel like freezing my ass off.  
  


* * *

  
Fixing Lindsay’s power problems took a little longer than I had anticipated and when I was finally done, I quickly said goodbye to Lindsay and hopped into my car.

It started to get dark outside and clearly everyone wanted to get home to their families. The streets were filled with cars and now even crawling would be faster than driving. When I was about halfway home, I wanted to tell Gavin everything was fine, but that traffic was being a bitch. I pulled out my phone, but it had died. I cursed myself for not charging it and banged my fist on the steering wheel. Not like that would help, but I’m rather short-tempered.

I was scared and desperate to get home, but I wasn’t half as scared as he was. He’d probably eaten at least half his hands at this point and tried calling me a thousand times and sent me even more texts. I know, because that’s what he always did.  
  


* * *

  
When I finally reached our street, I saw something I never wanted to see again, but I can’t seem to get that picture out of my head.

I saw Gavin.

He was sitting there, outside on the steps in just a t-shirt and his skinny jeans. It was always nice and warm in our apartment, so he never wore a hoodie or socks inside. He was just there, in the snow, his arms wrapped around his knees. I jumped out of the car and ran towards him and I hated myself for not being able to run faster than I did.

“Gavin!” I yelled.

He didn’t respond.

“Gavin!” I practically screamed in his ear.

He didn’t even move, apart from the shivering he had been doing since I reached him.

“Gavin, please.” I begged while I shook him a little.

He was freezing. His lips were blue and so were his hands and feet. Snowflakes stuck to his eyelashes and his messy hair. I noticed a few frozen tears on his cheeks.

“Gavin, look at me!” He still didn’t move.

I then drew the conclusion that he’d lost consciousness and that I just had to get him inside. I fumbled for the key in my pocket and opened the front door with shaking hands. I picked him up as carefully as I could and put him down on the couch. I shut the door, grabbed Gavin’s phone off the table and called 911. I ran to the bedroom while calling and pulled all the covers and blankets with me. I covered him in all of them while I talked to the lady on the phone.

She broke my heart when she said that it would take a while for the ambulance to get here.  
  


* * *

  
He went outside to look for a sign of my car and in his panic he forgot to take his key. The wind must’ve blown the door shut. Our neighbors weren’t home and I guess Gavin was too scared to knock on the doors of strangers, but waited on the steps of our apartment instead.

I knew what his biggest fear was. He was scared something would happen to his loved ones, but he was especially afraid of something happening to me.

I broke my promise.

I didn’t keep him safe. I did the opposite. I made him worry. I made him worried sick, I made him panic and I scared him to death. I wasn’t there to tell him everything would turn out to be okay. I wasn’t there to hold him while he cried.  
  


* * *

  
I failed you that day. I’m sorry Gavin. Like I said before, I deserve punishment. At first I thought I wasn’t going to get it. It’s crystal clear now though. My punishment is having to live without you by my side.  


* * *

  
The ambulance came in the end and took him away. I went with him, but he was too far gone already. He never made it to the hospital. Gavin died in the ambulance while I held his hand and stroked his frozen fingers with my thumb.  
  


* * *

  
And now I am here and you aren’t. I told you a hundred times that you deserved the world, but you never got it and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for making your worst fear come true. I’m sorry for leaving you alone that day. I’m sorry for not charging my phone. I’m sorry for not dragging you with me. And, above all, I’m sorry for not explaining how incredibly much I loved you one last time, Gavin.  
  


* * *

  
I still check the sockets every night. I still unplug all the chargers and appliances and leave the tv and consoles plugged in. I still make absolutely sure that all the windows are shut and I still put the front door key in its usual spot on the kitchen counter. I still check to see if the door is truly shut. I still leave our bed at night to find the sources of all the unidentifiable sounds. And I will always pay your mobile phone subscription, just so I can hear you when it goes straight to voicemail.

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: mentions of depression, mentions of anxiety, major character death.


End file.
